Please have a seat. I’m sorry to call you here under these circumstances, but as you know your team, the Arizona Diamondbacks, had a really tough year. Behavioral issues aside with your players decapitating mascots, botching fly balls, and using alleged foreign substances on their pitching glove, we need to discuss the real issues that lead us to this point…

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Derek Montilla, occasionally known as The Mayor of PHNX, has covered the Arizona Diamondbacks beat for over 10 seasons. He's a career .093 hitter as an amateur with more errors than runs scored, so everyone decided that the press box was a better fit. The Arizona native is a diehard fan of all Valley sports and can also be found roaming free ringside at local pro wrestling shows.